Today’s post won’t be about writing, about trying to get published or about what is happening with the first or the second book. Today, I’m writing about something different, something very close to my heart. Apologies in advance for using this space to feel sad.
I didn’t expect it, but I knew something was wrong. It started slow, and when things start off slow, you tend to not pay attention. It doesn’t dawn on you immediately there’s a problem, instead, it creeps up, like a slow growing weed that eventually wraps itself around an entire plant, almost seeming to have happened overnight.
She turned twelve in June. We’d seen some decline, cataracts, wobbly on her legs and her hearing wasn’t so good, but she always ate. Her nickname (among others) is Miss Piggy and she came by it honestly. She’d lost weight, but so had the other little one. I thought, feed them more, so I did. But it was that extra food that threw the red flag out, the warning signs that had been there were now distress signals.
Her body was overloaded with enzymes and other “things” that couldn’t be processed quickly enough. The extra food triggered it. Her brain said, you have enough, you don’t need it, while in reality it was only confused. The conflict went on unseen, an infestation, a breakdown, a silent war within. Until she showed us by getting sick, her body trying to rid itself of what it thought it didn’t need.
The call was made, the blood work done. In those few hours there was belief, the comforting thought that she’d had something like this before, she’ll be okay. A good dose of antibiotics and some rest will put her back to being good as new. Not so fast. The blood work showed the onset of renal failure. This is not an immediate death sentence, but it holds the sound of a closing door, moving me from one stage into another.
I will do everything I can, everything in my power to help her through and God knows, when I have to let her go, I will do the right thing. My heart is breaking today, the full comprehension that my faithful little companion’s time is truly limited with me is sinking in slowly. Fleeting thoughts of her age and what will come have always been there – but I would chase them away with a session of “go get it!” as if to prove she was still young.
It seems she’s been with me always, yet these twelve years have now rushed up and passed me by. Whatever her time is here, it will never be enough. She will go one day, a journey of her own, a quiet leaving of my arms and my life. I will be there to see her on, with love and compassion, with heartbreak and tears, but I will be there, always for my beloved little Bella.
Thinking of you and Bella.
Thanks Karen…it’s hard!
Hope you’re doing well.
I hope she does well. We have a dog. They are such great companions. My best wishes for both of you.
Thanks J.D…they are great companions, without a doubt.
I meant to reply to your other comment on the “Bastard.” It is dark (disturbing). Did you finish it and if so, what did you think? I think you may now see why I think her writing is “gritty.”
Yes, I have finished. She writes so well. Gripping stuff.
I have to wonder if it is autobiographical. I haven’t lived through such dramatic events. Of course my stuff is very light. I have done everything everyone else has done but …. Sometimes I wish for some awakening. At the same time I am not a fan of pain at this stage of my life.
Hi J.D.
It is definitely based on true events. I’ve got another book of hers – one I have read yet, but I’ve flipped through it and read snippets here and there…enough to know that some of what she wrote is true. The molestation by her step father for one. I hear you about the awakening. I worry like you do that I am writing all this stuff, but nothing may happen…
I just LOL on your comment on Betsy’s blog – which she replied to you too btw…but here’s what I’d say about the “awakening” you wish for that you feel hasn’t happened. Maybe you’re writing the wrong thing – have you looked at any part of your life and thought, “crap that could be a story?” Because I think that’s what’s meant by “write what you know.” DIXIE is loosely based on some events that are true in my life. Names changed to protect the innocent – haha. I think that’s where the gripping/human interest types of stories come from. Also, “write what you know” can also mean “write what you know you LIKE to read…” Are you doing that as well? Anyway, not that I have any more insight than you, and I know you’ve probably spent a lot more time earning your stripes than me, (4 books!!! Plus two mag articles pub’ed proves that) but just throwing some thoughts out…
They are a lot like children. I have two of them ages 12 and 11 and they have forgotten they are dogs. Hope all goes well. Take care
Jim Horn
No Betsy today or at least not whhen I looked before coming to work. That sucks. Still thinking about above, There have been events in my life that seemed overpowering at the time, but looking back seem little more than what everyone goes through. I’ve been in a war, I’ve traveled, had sex,, been in love . . . tell me something new. But then Bone is not the first girl to be molested and Callie not the first to hve an affair. It is how thhey tell it. So I should’ve struck while the iron was hot or find a way to immerse myyself in the memory. Failing that, i do write what i like to read, mystery and cheap thrillers. Aas for my four books, yes I have learned some there, but keep in mind none of them are published. Perhaps soon.. You and Dixie on the other hand.
Hi Donna – I’m from Betsy’s blog and I always enjoy your comments over there. I also have some experience with older pets, as my dog lived with kidney issues, muscle weakness, blindness & deafness for years. I had to put her to sleep at 18, when she totally stopped eating & drinking. I also have two cats, one with epilepsy; one diabetic. I run a faux vet clinic here!! It’s nuts!
Anyway, don’t give up hope with Bella. Check the internet & your vet for treatments. Some recommend less protein, (protein can stress the kidneys) and there are even special “kidney diets” to help. Hydration is important, too.
She knows you love her more than anyone, and will only do what’s best for her.
Good luck,
november
Hi November – yes, I recognize you…I enjoy your comments too – I’ve been a bit incognito the past two days b/c of my little doggie. You’re comment couldn’t have come at a better time as I’ve been having a rough morning. I took Bella to the vet at 8:00 like I’ve been doing for the past week – hoping for some good news b/c they were to do blood work to see if all the subcutaneous fluids she’s had helped. They haven’t. Her levels were still high enough – so now they are putting her on an IV. They will cap it off and I get to bring her home at night, but it’s the daily trip that just breaks my heart. She acts resigned. I’m trying everything I can to help her…if only we can get her over this hump, maybe there will be some better days ahead.
Have you tried giving her water through a turkey baster or a pediatric medicine syringe (or a sports water bottle) throughout the day? You just slide it along the side of her mouth and squeeze and she’ll lap some of it up. Also, ask your vet about Pedialyte electrolyte solution. They sell it everywhere, in the baby aisle, but I’m not sure about its use in dogs.
Hope some of this helps.
Thanks November, I’ll keep that in mind. The good news is she’s getting plenty of those fluids at this point due to the IV, but that might be a method to keep in mind on down the road. I appreciate your suggestions…it’s very kind.
D.
You made me cry. I’m so sorry. It’s the most awful pain. I completely understand.
Hi… you should have seen me the day I typed that…I had snot hanging out of my nose, my hands were shaking and the tears were running in endless streams off my jaw. It was out and out jerk crying, the kind you did when you were a kid and your feelings got hurt, but you couldn’t explain it to your mom or dad. I haven’t cried that way since I can remember. It truly is the most awful pain…I always hoped they’d just get old, not have to deal with any kind of illness. I’ve always questioned if I would be strong enough to see either of the “girls” through something like this, but I suppose that place inside our hearts, that we keep just for them, is what will hold us up…
Thank you for sharing a note.
Donna, I’m so sorry to hear about Bella, I wish I knew of a trick to lessen the pain, but I’ve never found one for this type of situation. I lost my first Pom 11 years ago (liver shunt, she died at the NC vet. hospital at age 6). Whenever I still start to think of her I linger with the good thoughts for several minutes and then have to divert my attention away (before it starts to become sad). My current Pom is 15 (adopted at 5) was diagnosed with stage 1 renal failure a few months ago. I can relate to the cataracts, loss of appetite, and she also wobbles. I know one day she will move on, and I think I’ll be strong for her… ha, fat chance of that, I can be strong until it happens.
You love her and have given her a fabulous life (she probably doesn’t even realize she’s a dog any longer… just one of the family). You know if she could talk, she’d tell you not to be sad, you’ve given her so much, and to see you sad, it would break her heart (the last thing i the world she would ever want to do).
Bill – if someone could come up with a remedy to eliminate this kind of pain they’d be set for life. For me, I go run, I might be crying the entire way, but that’s my thing. I know it will be the same for me about Bella – the thoughts I will have of her, the way she made me laugh, and how much she has meant to me and my husband will never be forgotten.
Thank you for sharing about your pups – everyone, dog lovers or not, understand how sad this is because they are such innocent and loving creatures.
I have an update on Bella today I am posting.
Thank you for share your love with this special dog. Here is a poem I posted this week about our relationships with dogs:
http://patcegan.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/teacher-dog
Love to you both, pat
Thank you for sharing. We lost our battle today, but in doing so, we believe she is in a better place, and waiting for us.